Wonder

I have always loved Christmas; how could you not? It's such a beautiful time for us humans, all being nice to each other, gifting, decorating. And sugar cookies. Oh, sugar cookies. Nom. As you get older of course, well, as I got older it lost a little magic, and then I had kids. Oh man, what a difference! The only thing better than waking up early to see if Santa came is watching the ones you love most in the world light up with the same moment! And as my girl, then girls got older Christmas was more fun every year, but it changed. I read the story of Baby Jesus as Mary and Jesus now. No longer a side character who happened to be there, I thought about how she loved Jesus, how God loves us in a whole new way. I'm not sure you can even begin to understand God's love for us without kids. I'm sure some folks without kids out there will beg to differ, but for me it opened up a whole new view of the world and God's love for us. This Christmas I have a new baby boy and let me tell you, it's a whole new world again. I hold my little J and think about Mary snuggling her little J, his tiny fingers wrapped around hers. And perhaps because my labor is still fresh and was less than pleasant, I think about having that same ordeal in a stable. I was in a fabulous hospital with a team of nurses and doctors and the latest technology. And showers. And no animals. My little J was wrapped in a wonderfully soft blanket after a gentle washing and brought to me. No manger. No poky straw. And labor is messy. Was the manger a mess? Did Joseph cut the cord? He must have. With what? Who cleaned up Mary? Did women at the inn come and help? Did Mary cry out in pain? It seems like she would have had some mystical clean, painless birth. But was it? Did Jesus come out a slimy, screaming mess? And let's say Joseph was the medical team, had he been to a birth before? That was a woman's realm back then.
Did her heart ache with love for him? Was she delirious? Were the animals quiet?
And then no longer newborn Jesus, did he have blowouts? Did he cluster feed at 4am? Did he put his fingers everywhere he shouldn't as he learned to walk and toddled about? Did he ever stomp his foot and declare to Mary, "No! You're not the boss of me!" And was she eternally patient? Sure we can stretch our minds to believe being the Son of God made Jesus an "easy" child, but was Mary holy in the same way? Did Jesus get time outs?
I just read my smallest A the wonderful story Nighty Night Baby Jesus (not a lot of text, but beautiful, simple pictures and rhyming text that I love. And animal sounds that little A loves) and there's a photo of Mary holding Jesus, looking down on him with such love and I know that look. I feel it when I read that book. I feel it and  I wonder.

Softest.

I have this bassinet. With the softest sheet you've ever felt in it. And in the midst of all my whining about uncomfortable sleep, if any, and contractions and someone else eating the last cookie, my stomach shifts alien like to the side and back again and the world's greatest joy comes over me. That's my little man. He will sleep on the world's softest sheet. And he will have tiny little toes for me to kiss. And an itty bitty bum. And sleep will change from uncomfortable to invisible and it will be worth every minute as his little self snuggles up on my chest. I have been so blessed with my 2 girls; I can't believe God's letting me have another one. He has the hiccups as I write this and I wonder if he's excited to meet me too? Or maybe he feels he already has? We couldn't be closer. Will he miss my gastronomical roaring? Or will it be a worthy exchange to have kisses instead? There are 3 weeks left on the clock, but I wonder if he might want to meet me sooner? And I pray I can be everything to him that I want to be. He'll have to share me more than the girls did, but in exchange he gets 2 incredible sisters that are excited to meet him. I remember their tiny toes, back when they let me kiss them. I still get to occasionally, but have to ask permission now. Motherhood. Something so terribly wonderful. 

Contentilated.

I always have a stack of things on my desk to remind me of everything I want to share with the world, a file of photos online to remind me. And I wait till that bug in me says, "now! write!" because I've found my forced writing to be particularly boring. So today it hit and I have no stack. I have no file. Strange. So I sit here and think, well, something wants to come out, what is it? <insert sip of fabulous cappuccino here.>
I just read a wonderful article about following God's path for you without apology and I thought, yeah, I need to do that! But what is God's path for me? I'm not famous, the world will not mourn when I die, I'm not discovering anything. And the next thing I read (I like to open 10 links at once on my screen, make a cup of coffee, and make my way through all my reading when there's silence in the house,) the next thing was the packing list for the hospital. And it struck me, I don't need a fancy calling. I have a calling. A wonderful calling. I'm a Mama and a Wife and a Friend and I love it. I watched an excellent video about why it's okay to be an introvert (and maybe even, dare I say, good? Dare! Dare!) yesterday and thought I don't want to be famous! I've never sought the spotlight and as I get older and start to realize, that's not sissy or shy or weird, it's just how God made me I realize my calling is clear and I'm right smack in the middle of it. I married an extrovert and I love, love, love supporting him and all his busyness. And I have one little Extro and will shortly be supporting her busyness as well (she's been asking to start a dance class for 2 months straight) and one little Intro who I totally get because if you ask her what she'd like to do, it's sit next to you and color or read in a corner. And I'm glad I know who I am, so I can support who she is; who they are. Our culture has so many "right" and "wrongs" in it where they shouldn't be, and so many gray areas where there really is a black and white that this seemingly simple, behind the scenes job is actually huge. It's life altering to at least 3 people so far, and next month 4.
I guess that's what was in there. Peace. Joy. And my favorite word: Contentilated. I am contentilated. And now, I'm off to the dungeon. I mean laundry room. To solve world peace.